Not just because I enjoy making people suffer (I do, so, so much): but because everyone carries shame. Sometimes it’s superficial. A moment from years ago that still makes you think, “I should have said that differently”. But usually it’s much deeper, or even trauma related. The shame surrounding a body part, a personality trait. How you treat your (ex-)partner, mother. The shame surrounding a fantasy or a kink. There is -always- shame. And it’s blocking you. In life. In power Exchanging. In Dynamics.
This is exactly what I mean when I talk about psychologically deep play: hurting someone physically is easy, you can get better in technique and skill, but that’s it. I’m also trying to reach that deeper layer. The part of you that you’ve hidden away.
Sometimes it takes several sessions before I find it, it’s not like fear that just pops up roaring. Most things are buried deep. Other times I notice it almost immediately. A change in breathing, hesitation, resistance. I’ve had many people lying on my table in tears over the years.
A very recent experience inspired me to write this. Out of respect for her, I won’t go into their story. But it reminded me of another experience from years ago that I can share.
She was one of my first long-term clients; a transgender woman. She booked a session with me every two weeks. Like many transgender people, she had experienced years of gender dysphoria. She had undergone every surgery she wanted and was a 100% a woman. Yet there was still an enormous amount of shame surrounding her vagina. Because for so many years, it wasn’t there. She still saw and felt a penis when she closed her eyes.
During our negotiation we discussed hard limits, and everything I normally discuss before taking on a new submissive. She never mentioned her vagina being off limits, so I did my thing, and the moment my hands moved around the inside of her legs, and bottom of her belly, I felt resistance.
Experience has taught me to trust those moments. So I started poking at it. Quite literally, in this case. Feeling. squeezing. Trying to understand what was happening underneath the surface. And she burst into tears. “What kind of tears are these?” I asked her.
She just cried harder, and I paused my actions. We talked about whether this had become a hard limit and if she still felt comfortable continuing: the session was over. She wanted to cuddle and talk, So that’s exactly what we did and the whole story and more tears came out: sexual abuse, body dysmorphia, you get it. She also told me it was okay to continue playing with that shame, fear and guilt in future sessions.
Over the months that followed, I gave her assignments centred around her vagina. It wasn’t about humiliating her solely for my entertainment (although I love seeing people in discomfort, HUGE perk of the job). It was about confronting the shame that had been living there for years. It was incredibly uncomfortable for her, and there were a lot of tears in this process.
But after several months, we noticed something beautiful: the shame slowly started disappearing. Talking about her body became easier. Looking at herself became easier. Accepting her past became easier. She made better choices for herself, in love, life. She stopped punishing herself, and left the punishing to me.
Eventually, she was even able to experience herself sexually, with pleasure instead of shame. That made me feel like a genuinely wholesome Dominant. Knowing I had helped someone move beyond something that had weighed on her for years is one of the most rewarding parts of what I do. And the dynamic we created once we confronted this shame, it is still going.
Tears are wonderful. Especially the ugly cry.
Where there is more shame, is in crying. The very first thing people usually say after they burst into tears is: “I’m sorry.”, “I’m sorry I started crying.”, “I’m sorry I completely broke down.”, “Sorry for inconveniencing you”, “Sorry i ruined the session”.
And I’m always just sitting there thinking… Why are you apologizing? It’s beautiful.
I think nine out of ten sessions with me involve tears somewhere along the way. It’s completely normal. Because that’s when you know someone is really letting go. Really throwing something out of their body that they’ve been carrying around for years. Or even tears of happiness, someone finally found what they were looking for. I genuinely love those moments.
Crying is healing. It brings things to the surface that you didn’t even know were still inside you. Sometimes you don’t even realize how much shame you’ve been carrying until the tears start. And once they do… There is nowhere left to hide.
You’ve bared your body for me, now your soul is stripping for me as well.
People often think Domination is about pain, humiliation or control. For me, it’s about understanding why something hurts in the first place. the rest is secondary. And usually the cane is not the most powerful tool in the room; it’s the mind.
I love creating enough trust for someone to finally face the thing they’ve spent their entire life hiding from. And once they come out, those are the moments I live for: nowhere to hide.