People say this a lot under my posts – and those of others. It gives me the ick. Shouldn´t we know better by now? So why is it that when some people see a certain scene, with the D of their dreams and an s with their collar, their first reaction is: “Wow, you’re so lucky!” As if they just stumbled into that dynamic, scene, or position. Let’s clear the air, shall we?
The visible result of invisible labor
It’s not luck; it’s the blood, sweat, and tears of someone who knows what they want and goes after it. There’s effort, there’s authenticity, and there’s perseverance. It may look like some kinksters have everything handed to them; the scene Queen with her slave pack, the rope top with flawless ties, or the power couple whose energy electrifies every party they walk into. What they don’t see is what went into creating those realities:
- The top / Dominant; spent years learning their craft, developing negotiation skills, and mastering aftercare, including all the nuances of playing with different people.
- The bottom / submissive; invested time and emotional energy into finding the right play partner, understanding their boundaries, and building the confidence to talk about them.
- The endless hours; of workshops, trial-and-error, and the personal growth to be “that person” everyone admires.
To some, what looks like “luck” is the visible result of invisible labor. Usually, there’s money involved too. Latex wardrobes don’t just fall from the sky; they cost hours of paychecks. And that luxurious dungeon space someone keeps mentioning on FetLife? It’s built and booked with real cash. Even that gorgeous set of cuffs or suspension rig wasn’t conjured by magic. That perfect “scene of your dreams” you saw? It could have been a Pro Domme and someone who paid her by the hour to make their dream happen.
Yet, when people see someone ´living their dream´, they have the audacity to call them “lucky, ” as if these investments are somehow irrelevant to the outcome. It’s annoying and invalidating because there are no shortcuts to achieving this.
Making your own luck
Perhaps authenticity and consistency are the most important aspects of “making your own luck” in kink (and life). You also need to create an environment where opportunities can happen. Let’s dive in a bit deeper:
A submissive who is consistent in showing up on time, and the quality of domestic servitude, but who can also admit to being overwhelmed and needing space. A Dominant who always checks on the emotional and physical wellbeing of the play partner, but also admits to not being in the right mind space for a session. These are people who attract dynamics others envy. It’s not about being the most experienced or having the fanciest gear. It’s about being true to yourself, being kind, and showing others that you are someone worth their time and energy.
In putting yourself out there you also make opportunities happen; like attending munches, play parties, and workshops. During these activities you should be able to communicate clearly and show vulnerability; whether it’s negotiating a dynamic, or asking to be mentored. And of course, you have to take risks: send that message to someone you find attractive, attend that intimidating workshop or play party. Be vulnerable enough to express your true desires. None of this happens by accident. It’s the result of choices and action.
By doing these things you make people see you and you will create momentum for yourself. Growth and progress aren’t glamorous, but it’s necessary to create opportunities that will “make your luck”
Of course, effort alone doesn’t tell the whole story
Serendipity – what we often call “luck” – is also a factor. Meeting the right person at the right time. Access to resources, geography, and (social) privilege can also impact who gets these opportunities. Someone living in a kink-friendly city with an active scene like Berlin has far more opportunities than someone isolated in a rural area. And of course, appearance, charisma, or even an unexpected introduction can shift the odds in your favor.
These factors, often beyond our control, don’t dismiss hard work but do affect outcomes. It simply recognizes that no one succeeds in a vacuum.
The danger of oversimplification
Dismissing someone’s success as luck alone erases the effort they’ve put in. It’s frustrating and invalidating to hear, “You’re so lucky,” when you’ve worked hard to earn your place in the scene. But on the flip side, claiming that “luck doesn’t exist” can invalidate the challenges others face.
For someone struggling – whether due to lack of access, systemic barriers, or personal circumstances (such as race, disability, or gender identity) – the idea that success is purely a matter of effort can feel dismissive, even shaming.
So how do we reconcile these ideas? By understanding that while “luck” might open the door, effort is what sustains it. The people who thrive in kink are those who prepare themselves for when opportunities present themselves. Luck doesn’t replace effort, but effort creates the conditions where “lucky” moments are likely to happen.
Success in kink is a combination of factors
The truth is that success in kink, as in life, is a combination of: perseverance, intention, serendipity, and privilege. We can celebrate the successes of others without dismissing the work they’ve put in – or the advantages they may have had.
When we see someone thriving, let’s approach their success with curiosity and respect, not assumptions. Instead of saying, “You’re so lucky,” try: “What steps did you take to get there?” and act accordingly. You might even learn something.
Every path is unique, every person is different, and by acknowledging the full picture; both the visible and invisible work, we show that we understand. Because here in this beautifully kinky world, the truth is: that you don’t just stumble upon your dream. They’re intentionally built.